About Me

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I have spent a great deal of my life battling illness. I suffered from Crohn's Disease and eventually had abdominal surgery, thwarting the Crohn's and budding cancer cells. Since my surgery in 1995 I have been relatively free from Crohns', although I had several subsequent surgeries related to my ileostomy..When my disease was in remission, I don't think my husband realized how bad it could get, but he has stood by me. I also have suffered from various autoimmune disorders and am diagnosed with Stage IV Kidney Disease. Fortunately, I am maintaining and do not need dialysis at this point. We adopted our son and later found out he had cerebral palsy, so he became my career. Dan has had two surgeries and tons of therapy and is able to walk because of it. He is a college graduate and is employed as an Information Specialist. We are very proud of his accomplishements. I am now part of the retired generation and still getting used to the idea. I do enjoy crafting, traveling and being with family and friends. I am active in my church and feel that the hardships we endure are there to build our faith. I like to live life in the "now" as we never know how much time is left.

Saturday, August 16, 2014

Bearing my Soul

The death of Robin Williams has been heavy on my mind.  It broke my heart more than most people realize.  I have struggled with the idea of sharing this or not, but have decided there is no shame.
I have suffered from depression since I was 19 or so.  I was a sensitive child, but never so much as when the doctors at the University Hospital of Madison put me on massive doses of prednisone for Crohn's Disease.  It messes with a person's hormones.  I became somewhat bi-polar, experiencing extreme highs and extreme lows.  That, coupled with being in the hospital for months added to my mental illness.  While young adults were out going to school, partying, or working, I was battling my illness.  People thought I felt sorry for myself.  Perhaps I did.  The doctor suggested that I be admitted to the psyche ward there but I had enough of hospitalization and wanted to be home.
One night when I had an argument with my boyfriend, I decided to take every pill that I possessed.  I shared a room with my sister, and fortunately she heard me slur, "I don't want to die."  She woke up my parents who called 911.
I almost died.  The doctor had to put the defibrillator on me to start my heart. This was the first time I overdosed. Shortly before my mom passed away, she shared with me how, when the nurse said I was going to live, it was the happiest news she heard.  I wish she would have told me that sooner.   I tried it a few more times when depression closed in. 
When a person is depressed, it is like being in a burning building with the flames at your heels.  Should you continue to burn or jump?  Other people are not considered and there are no words or reasoning.  You just want to stop hurting.  It is nobody's fault; it is a mental imbalance akin to that of addiction.  The same part of the brain is affected.
Suicide became my answer to depression.  It wasn't till after my faith had been renewed, that I was able to renounce those feelings in the name of Jesus.  The Lord took the desire to die away from me. 
I still have bouts of depression.  The difference is that now I seek therapy and am on medication for it.  It is a chemical imbalance, and although I am so heartbroken that Robin Williams took his life, I hope that people recognize it as a disease.


Linda said...

I try to understand depression and those who have taken their lives. It is terribly sad b/c that person is not thinking rationally, he does not see any other way out. By educating people we can try to cut those statistics. Glad your attempt fell through.

Gert said...

I do understand, and yes it is a disease. My brother suffered for years with it also...but getting on medications and having doctors did help.

Blessings my friend..

Terra said...

This post is powerful and reminds us that mental illness and depression is a disease, as you said. How happy the world is, and me as a blog reader, to have you here.

Sandy said...

Suicide was never an option for me BUT I do understand. When an idiot Dr. made me go through cold turkey withdrawal from Paxil, I TOTALLY understood mental illness. There is no control how you feel.
Good blog Deb.

Carolee said...

Very well said. Glad you are still here!

Laurie M said...

I'm so sorry to hear of your battles, you are so brave, the party for your niece was beautiful, I think she loved that back pack!! You wee so lucky to win enough back to pay for your hotel on your trip!I didn't know you are blind in one eye, we have that in common, lol, not the best thing at all to have in common is it, lol! There is something else we have in common, I also have IC, I will email you, ,

Laurie M said...

I was going to email you to tell you what helped my IC but you are a no reply blogger, sorry,

Blackberry Lane said...

Thank you for sharing with us. I hope that many will learn more about depression due to Mr. Williams' death.