The death of Robin Williams has been heavy on my mind. It broke my heart more than most people realize. I have struggled with the idea of sharing this or not, but have decided there is no shame.
I have suffered from depression since I was 19 or so. I was a sensitive child, but never so much as when the doctors at the University Hospital of Madison put me on massive doses of prednisone for Crohn's Disease. It messes with a person's hormones. I became somewhat bi-polar, experiencing extreme highs and extreme lows. That, coupled with being in the hospital for months added to my mental illness. While young adults were out going to school, partying, or working, I was battling my illness. People thought I felt sorry for myself. Perhaps I did. The doctor suggested that I be admitted to the psyche ward there but I had enough of hospitalization and wanted to be home.
One night when I had an argument with my boyfriend, I decided to take every pill that I possessed. I shared a room with my sister, and fortunately she heard me slur, "I don't want to die." She woke up my parents who called 911.
I almost died. The doctor had to put the defibrillator on me to start my heart. This was the first time I overdosed. Shortly before my mom passed away, she shared with me how, when the nurse said I was going to live, it was the happiest news she heard. I wish she would have told me that sooner. I tried it a few more times when depression closed in.
When a person is depressed, it is like being in a burning building with the flames at your heels. Should you continue to burn or jump? Other people are not considered and there are no words or reasoning. You just want to stop hurting. It is nobody's fault; it is a mental imbalance akin to that of addiction. The same part of the brain is affected.
Suicide became my answer to depression. It wasn't till after my faith had been renewed, that I was able to renounce those feelings in the name of Jesus. The Lord took the desire to die away from me.
I still have bouts of depression. The difference is that now I seek therapy and am on medication for it. It is a chemical imbalance, and although I am so heartbroken that Robin Williams took his life, I hope that people recognize it as a disease.