About Me

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I have spent a great deal of my life battling illness. I suffered from Crohn's Disease and eventually had abdominal surgery, thwarting the Crohn's and budding cancer cells. Since my surgery in 1995 I have been relatively free from Crohns', although I had several subsequent surgeries related to my ileostomy..When my disease was in remission, I don't think my husband realized how bad it could get, but he has stood by me. I also have suffered from various autoimmune disorders and am diagnosed with Stage IV Kidney Disease. Fortunately, I am maintaining and do not need dialysis at this point. We adopted our son and later found out he had cerebral palsy, so he became my career. Dan has had two surgeries and tons of therapy and is able to walk because of it. He is a college graduate and is employed as an Information Specialist. We are very proud of his accomplishements. I am now part of the retired generation and still getting used to the idea. I do enjoy crafting, traveling and being with family and friends. I am active in my church and feel that the hardships we endure are there to build our faith. I like to live life in the "now" as we never know how much time is left.

Sunday, January 8, 2017

I CHOOSE JOY

Well, it's a new year!  Where do I start?  I start with the memorial service of my dear friend,  Linda.

It was a beautiful service.  The pastor really touched upon all the points about her faith that Linda wanted to share with her family.  He also shared how creative and how full of fun she was.  Of course, I cried, but it was kind of off and on, as it was with her family.

Last Fall, when I was having a hard time knowing how to "be" with Linda and her cancer, we went to a women's faith retreat. That weekend, I think Linda and I were both trying to come to grips with her cancer in different ways, and for different reasons.  She retreated into herself, and I sought support from others.   I just couldn't be there emotionally for her. 

Linda had become very critical of me, and that is why I kept my distance for a time, but one day I realized it didn't matter.  THIS wasn't Linda.  It was her anger at the cancer, or the chemo, that was making her so snarky towards me, and I would just ignore it.  I will never know if it was me, or the chemo, or the cancer.  I will never know if she was intentionally pushing me away, or if I was trying to withdraw emotionally.  At some point, it didn't matter.   I emailed her and told her that I loved her for 26 years and I was always going to love her.  She told me she loved me too.  (I'm saving that email)  We got together a couple of times, and when it started to look like it was the beginning of the end, we both told each other we were sorry for hurting one another and held each other and cried.  Again, I told her that I loved her and she would always be my best friend. 

So, it's a new year, and I must go on.  Linda told me that I had to go on without her.  She knew me, just as she knew how my body responded to the stress of her cancer.  Both she and her husband didn't want me to get sick again.  I did what I could, but feel it was never enough.

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So, I go on.  I am having physical therapy this week for bursitis in my left hip.  I am meeting a new friend and my sister for lunch on Thursday.  I am back to blogging.  I have made a new friend through Linda's blog and cancer support group.  Last Fall at the retreat I became closer to another woman who invited me to go along with her to another retreat in February!  (more about that, in February.)  At the end of the month, my sister and I are getting on the bus to see Dwight Yoakam
at a casino up north.

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So, I go on, and I choose joy!


I bought this from someone who has her own Bible Journaling group and stamp shop. Korin Sutherland also has a shop on etsy  When I saw this, I had to have it.  2016 was not the best year for me.

Next week Bible Study starts up again!  I have been trying on my own, but I love to meet with the ladies!

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Hope my post wasn't too depressing.  A blessed New Year to all my readers!

9 comments:

Dazee C. said...

I was so sorry to hear Linda had lost her battle with cancer but won her wings in heaven. Thank you for letting us, her followers know. Our prayers are for comfort for you, and her family. Cancer took my brother a few years ago. I know all too well the pain and sorrow it can cause. I hope you can find your joy and enjoy each and every moment. Please take care of yourself and stay focused on your Joy.

NanaDiana said...

It wasn't depressing at all, Deb. It was just a real slice of real life--dealing with the death and loss of a good friend is NEVER easy. I am so glad you have a new friend that you have things in common with. It will be fun for you to get away for a weekend.
God bless you- hang in there and don't feel guilty. You did the best you could do a the time and that is all that matters. xo Diana

GARAGE SALE GAL said...

No you post wasn't depressing. It was a blessing that you and Linda could tell each other that you love each other, cry and know that she would be seeing Jesus.
Your word is perfect!!! It sounds like you are going to have a year of JOY!
warmly,
deb

White Lace and Promises said...

It's not depressing. It is the journey called life that we all walk through. I feel your pain but I also feel your resolve to
Embrace life. My prayers will be with you.

~Lavender Dreamer~ said...

Choose JOY...sounds like a good plan to me! I'll follow your inspiration! Sweet hugs, Diane

The Polka Dot Closet said...

Man, that is tough to lose a life long friend. I can only imagine how tough it would be to have cancer and all that it involves, I am afraid that I might not be pleasant? I think at some level I would resent all of my friends that get to live when I don't....you just don't know. how great that you worked it all out in the end. I hope your year is all good from here out

Carol

Bonnie F. Annis said...

Debbie, I'm so glad you shared your honest feelings in this post. It helps me, as a cancer survivor, to understand how others view cancer. I imagine it must have been extremely hard to "be there" for Linda. It's hard to know how to be a friend, let alone be a friend to someone who is struggling with health issues they can't change. I'm thankful we "met" through Linda and I hope our friendship will continue to grow over the years. God bless you and I'm so glad you've chosen to start the new year by choosing joy! A lot of folks don't understand it really is a choice, but it is! Love you!

Junkchiccottage said...

Oh Deb I am sorry it has taken me so long to get over here and read about you and your beautiful friend. Life is hard sometimes and I will start by saying so sorry for the loss of your sweet friend. Losing a good friend is always so hard. I believe your choosing joy is good and Linda would know that is what you would want and need. So glad you both could have such an amazing closure before she passed. The words and love you shared in your last few visits may not seem significant right now while you are hurting and grieving but some day this will be a closure to your sadness to have had this. Time does not seem to make the loss go away or better it just has a beautiful way of making it more tolerable. I wish and pray for this for you.
Hugs,
Kris

Terra Hangen said...

Oh, your heart break at losing your dear friend, and hers for having to "go on ahead." I think you two did the best you could under the rough circumstances.