About Me

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I have spent a great deal of my life battling illness. I suffered from Crohn's Disease and eventually had abdominal surgery, thwarting the Crohn's and budding cancer cells. Since my surgery in 1995 I have been relatively free from Crohns', although I had several subsequent surgeries related to my ileostomy..When my disease was in remission, I don't think my husband realized how bad it could get, but he has stood by me. I also have suffered from various autoimmune disorders and am diagnosed with Stage IV Kidney Disease. Fortunately, I am maintaining and do not need dialysis at this point. We adopted our son and later found out he had cerebral palsy, so he became my career. Dan has had two surgeries and tons of therapy and is able to walk because of it. He is a college graduate and is employed as an Information Specialist. We are very proud of his accomplishements. I am now part of the retired generation and still getting used to the idea. I do enjoy crafting, traveling and being with family and friends. I am active in my church and feel that the hardships we endure are there to build our faith. I like to live life in the "now" as we never know how much time is left.

Sunday, June 10, 2018

Walking Through the Valley

The first in a series of musings.

There has been much conversation about suicide since within only a week,
Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain both took their lives.
I am saddened.  I have been thinking of the sorrow caused by their deaths and 
many others who are left behind.

That said, I have been thinking of my story since the death of Robin Williams.

It started in 1971.  That was the year that I became so 
deathly ill from Crohn's Disease.  When I was finally diagnosed, I weighed 
about 88 pounds and had a temperature of 104°  I remember that after arriving at
the University Hospital in Madison, WI, I passed out on the hospital bed.
It was a long road of tests and treatments.  I was in the hospital for over a month, but 
it wasn't the physical disease that would plague me, but it's effects.  The effects of 
the medications would cause me difficulties for life.  The physician wanted to 
admit me to the psychiatric ward.  (I didn't know that Prednisone and other medications
could cause me to become almost bipolar).  I refused.  I was afraid that I would never be 
able to leave!

Finally, when I was discharged and home, I could go back to living my life.  My 
emotions went the spectrum.  One moment I would be cleaning like a 
woman possessed, next, I would fall into a slump without any hope.

I don't know what caused me to attempt suicide.  I think I had an 
argument with my boyfriend.  I really don't remember.  When I got home from our date, 
I ingested all the medications that I owned and went to bed where I shared a room
with my younger sister.

My slurred words woke my sister up as I was saying, "Mamma, I don't wanna die, I don't 
wanna die."

The ambulance was called and I was rushed to the local hospital.  They pumped my stomach, 
intubated me, used the defibrillator, and got my heart beating again, but I was unconscious.
The doctor, in his matter of fact way, told my mother that they did everything and if 
I didn't wake up, I would never be the same.


Fast forward to 2113.

Speaking to my mother in her room at the healthcare center, mom was recalling how 
each of her children had caused her so much pain, but that it was all worth it.
Of course she mentioned how I would try and kill myself, especially the time described above.

It was forty-two years before I was to hear of my mom's anguish.  She told me about
the doctor and also about waiting.  She told me that when the nurse came out and said I was
coming to, that it was the happiest news for her.  I started to weep and told mom how sorry I was that I had caused everyone so much pain, especially her.

Why did it take forty-two years for Mom to tell me that?


1 comment:

Terra said...

I've been sad after hearing about Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain dying by suicide. Your post is compelling and how good you did not succeed in your attempt.